


Eat the Rich

by TheOceanIsMyInkwell



Series: I'm Peter, I'm 19 and I Never Learned to Read [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: College Student Peter Parker, Fluff, Gen, Harley Keener & Peter Parker Friendship, Humor, Inspired by Twitter, YouTube, and harley being done with everyone in his life tbh, it's literally just everyone being stupid and random
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:46:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22874977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOceanIsMyInkwell/pseuds/TheOceanIsMyInkwell
Summary: "We should do some kind of challenge while we’re doing this. So it’s not all, y’know, gross chewing sounds.”“It’s not gross if you’re eating the rich,” Harley mutters darkly.As soon as the words leave his mouth, the full impact of what he’s said sinks in and he shares a loaded look with Peter from opposite corners of the coffee table, then glances upward at Tony with a meaningful eyebrow dance.“If you’re eating all the rich except like one rich person,” Peter supplies helpfully, because if he isn’t the master of backtracking over foot-in-the-mouth moments and making the entire situation oh so much worse. He grimaces.“Or if you’re eating, like, ninety-nine point ninety-eight percent of the rich and licking the other point two percent,” Harley amends.“Or,” Peter says with his finger of wisdom up in the air, “if you’re just licking all the rich without discrimination. Who knows, some rich folk might like licking.”--While Peter is home at the Tower over spring break, a very bored Harley decides to make a YouTube channel and debut with a mukbang video with Peter and Tony as guests. Per usual, the two buffoons manage to bully him about everything.
Relationships: Harley Keener & Peter Parker, Harley Keener & Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: I'm Peter, I'm 19 and I Never Learned to Read [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1394110
Comments: 27
Kudos: 237





	Eat the Rich

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goldkirk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldkirk/gifts).



> This 'drabble' (nervous laughter) is wayyy overdue. But I somehow didn't find the inspiration for the perfect way to fill it until tonight, randomly, months later after I got the prompt, when I was washing the dishes and ideas for a twitter/youtube/social media/very chill domestic sort of drabble popped into my head. I know it's pointless and I know it's silly but hey! I worked the prompt line into it eventually! Also I love me some Tony-Peter-Harley interactions and you can tear the domestic found family trope from my cold, dead hands.
> 
> (it's probably easier than you think) (i don't work out)
> 
> Filling prompt #52 of [this drabble challenge](https://theoceanismyinkwell.tumblr.com/post/189721940158/drabble-challenge-1-150), sent in by goldkirk: "You just wanted them because they light up." (tweaked a bit, of course) I hope you likey!!

**H.J. Keener** @almostdiedatcamp  
Quick, a bum needs ideas for a first youtube video. Send me suggestions

 **charlize keener** @charliejkeener  
Shave on camera

 **the guy in the armchair** @leedsfeeds  
mukbang. they’re super trending on yt now

 **H.J. Keener** @almostdiedatcamp  
@charliejkeener why are u coming for me like this

 **Charlie Q.** @greetingshumans  
Get a pottery wheel and make a bowl. And paint it. Paint is toxic and fun.

 **H.J. Keener** @almostdiedatcamp  
@greetingshumans you clearly have way more faith in my motor skills than you should and i thank u for that

 **Charlie Q.** @greetingshumans  
@almostdiedatcamp you know the harder the fail the funnier the video!

 **H.J. Keener** @almostdiedatcamp  
@greetingshumans it’s funny when it’s famous people. I’m just some bozo from Tennessee with floppy hair and weird depth perception issues

 **Pooter Porker** @peterbparker  
@almostdiedatcamp if this is your idea of flirting with my roommate get off my feed right now

 **michael jackson, but ironically** @callmemj  
@almostdiedatcamp @peterbparker u know the baby face ain’t joking when he spells out ‘right now’

 **charlize keener** @charliejkeener  
*raises hand* I personally vote for the pottery theme too. Always nice to see you covered in mud

 **H.J. Keener** @almostdiedatcamp  
@charliejkeener you’re just biased bc he’s named Charlie too. I knew I would rue the day Ma told me what your name was. I knew I would rue it

 **Pooter Porker** @peterbparker  
@almostdiedatcamp howsabout you embarrass Tony on a live show

 **michael jackson, but ironically** @callmemj  
@peterbparker harley literally just said we’re placing too much faith in his abilities

 **H.J. Keener** @almostdiedatcamp  
Aren’t y’all supposed to be studying quantum dots n shit?? Why am I being bullied like this

 **the guy in the armchair** @leedsfeeds  
harley my dear boy, when you are given a choice between college and twitter, you choose twitter. always twitter.

 **michael jackson, but ironically** @callmemj  
don’t fucking lie on the internet i know peter is sitting on the couch right across from you this minute keener

Harley makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat and chucks his phone at the wall. Peter, who is most definitely not suspended upside-down from the ceiling and most definitely does not have his webshooters on under his jammies, shoots out a web to catch the device before it can collide with the sheetrock.

“Technically, it’s not a couch,” Peter grumbles.

“Good luck telling the whole internet that you’re hung upside down from the ceiling and not letting them figure out you’re either, a) secretly Spider-Man, or b) really into some weird bondage.”

“Yeah, well, you have like seven followers, max.”

“Seven is a holy number. God’s favorite digit.”

“Please do not say ‘digit’ right after a sentence with the word ‘bondage’ in it.”

“Gimme my phone,” Harley whines, reaching out an arm and flapping it pathetically in the air for Peter to toss the phone back to him. Truth be told, if Harley just stretched out a bit more he could definitely reach it, but as Harley has often bemoaned on Instagram, he is but a simple boy and he ain’t about that athletic life.

Peter obliges and tosses it to him. Not unpredictably, Harley throws up his hands too late and gets clocked in the nose with the phone.

“Anywho. The mukbang does sound fun,” Peter says with an upside-down shrug. “We should have Tony come in and not even tell him we’re filming.”

“Dude,” Harley grunts.

“Dude,” Peter singsongs back.

“Not _duuude_ , I mean _dude_. Tony’s such a soccer mom and all he does is complain about how there’s this other place between enth street and enth street that makes this fried chicken better or whatever. He’s gonna be, like, three thousand percent embarrassing.”

\--

Tony Stark shuffles into the living room an hour later with a silk floral robe thrown inexplicably over his striped tee and sweats and he is anything but embarrassing. Not even twelve percent embarrassing.

“Mukbang? Oh, I’ve heard of those things. Pepper tried to talk me into doing one for this promotional video with one of our new partners last month.” Tony sucks on the fried breading around the cartilaged end of a drumstick and flashes a peace sign at the hidden camera with his other hand.

“How do you even know where the camera was? This is so unfair,” Harley complains.

Peter snickers from his Bacchus-like pose on the rug. “He’s Tony Stark. He only, like, built this entire tower’s security system from the ground up in a matter of hours while he was actively dying, probably.”

“Not for the first time, young buck, you give me too much credit.” Tony steps over the tangle of Peter’s and Harley’s legs to flop back on the pile of assorted couch cushions behind them and lay himself across them in a spectacular spread disturbingly similar to haute couture. “To be honest,” the man goes on, “it probably has a lot more to do with being raised around the paparazzi and learning to be ready with your angles at all times. Did you know I lost my first tooth on camera? They’ve probably got grainy copies of the tape up on YouTube.”

“Oh, the trauma,” Harley drawls. “Oh, the poor thing’s psyche. That explains so much.”

Tony snorts and plucks a thigh from the greasy KFC bucket wedged between the boys.

Peter nudges Harley’s knee with a toe--probably a little harder than intended, considering the soundless _hey, ow actually_ Harley mouths at him. “Hey. Sorry! Um. We should do some kind of challenge while we’re doing this. That’s what most people do when they’re eating. So it’s not all, y’know, gross chewing sounds.”

“It’s not gross if you’re eating the rich,” Harley mutters darkly.

As soon as the words leave his mouth, the full impact of what he’s said sinks in and he shares a loaded look with Peter from opposite corners of the coffee table, then glances upward at Tony with a meaningful eyebrow dance. 

“If you’re eating all the rich except like one rich person,” Peter supplies helpfully, because if he isn’t the master of backtracking over foot-in-the-mouth moments and making the entire situation oh so much worse. He grimaces. “Too obvious?”

“If you’re eating, like, ninety-nine point ninety-eight percent of the rich and licking the other point two percent,” Harley amends.

“ _Or_ ,” Peter says with his finger of wisdom up in the air, “if you’re just licking all the rich without discrimination. Who knows, some rich folk might like licking.”

“Not under any circumstances whatsoever,” comes Tony’s bored voice from above their heads. “You kids really need to know how to say things that could survive being taken out of context. Video edits will be the death of you two.”

Peter actually sits up and twists back around to give Tony his patented skeptical Parker face. “This? Coming from the guy who tossed out the cue cards and said ‘I am Iron Man’?”

Tony flicks a bread crumb at Teen Miscreant #1. “Drag me when you don’t own three t-shirts that say ‘I am Iron Man’ in a dozen different fonts.”

Teen Miscreant #2 snickers over his styrofoam cup of mashed potato.

Peter serves Harley a supremely scandalized look. “You _betray_ me.”

“You know when it comes down to it, my one true calling is to torment you.”

“I liked you better when you were calling for us to eat the rich.”

“Not eat the rich,” Tony reminds them casually. “Lick them.”

“That’s what you should title the video,” Peter says excitedly. “Lick the Rich. But all lowercase. Or alternatively, all caps. There is no in between.”

\--

Forty minutes in, and the three of them are still going at it like a pack of mismatched hyenas. Over the course of the period, Tony has somehow migrated cross-legged to the rug, bereft of his silken floral robe save for the tie being wrapped around his head like a bandana. Peter has rotated his own body so his head is nestled in the man’s lap, while Harley is draped upside down over the pile of sundry cushions with his face hanging over the other two.

“Floral theme all the way,” Peter insists with a pump of his fist.

Harley manages to make his eye-roll look impressive even upside down. “It _has_ to be a Serif font. Nothing says the blasé aesthetic of Gen Z like the phrase ‘eat the rich’ spelled out in white Arial letters on a black background.”

“Still voting for the death metal-style painted letters,” Tony grunts. He seems to be halfway to a food coma.

“That’s because you’d say anything to oppose me and agree with Petey,” says Harley.

“That’s not true,” Peter protests. “We disagree on a lot of things.”

“Coffee, for example,” Tony points out. 

“Disgusting,” Peter rejoins immediately. “Tastes like the devil’s spit. Or what the smell of Harley’s socks would be like if it could be liquified.”

“College,” Tony adds.

Peter gesticulates wildly at his brother, nearly smacking him dead in the face. “Tony wanted me to go to a party. A _party_!”

“Oh, the scandal,” Harley intones in a voice that says anything but.

“Speaking of parties!” Peter nearly manages to jackknife upright like an overexcited sheepadoodle, but Tony catches him by the forehead and brings him back down so he can continue running his fingers with a hilarious amount of finesse through the kid’s hair.

“Speaking of parties,” Peter tries again, “can we _please_ get light-up letters instead for your merch?”

“Oh, hell, no. I would rather go with--with _Tony’s_ god-awful death metal font than light-up letters.”

“ _Please_ , Harley? It would be perfect and festive for Christmas time. You could go into any store with a shirt that says ‘EAT THE RICH’ in fairy lights and it would be a totally appropriate commentary on capitalism and shit. Oh, and, hey. MJ would be proud of you! C’mon, dude. Please? Please, Harls, please please _please_ \--”

“I dunno what I expected when I first envisioned my branding, but this was _not_ it,” Harley says with an aggrieved sigh.

\--

As it turns out, Harley does get bullied into the light-up option.

The last sequence of their video cuts to a jarring close-up of Harley drawling at the camera, “So these children are already takin’ over my channel and I haven’t even started yet.”

“I’m just excited to see what you come up with for the merch now,” Peter says innocently, from somewhere behind Harley’s head blocking the entire shot.

Harley moves back a fraction then just in time to show Tony giving Peter another signature unimpressed look. “You only want it because it lights up,” Tony says lightly.

“Harley said it. I’m a child. With child instincts. I am an orphan, after all. Grew up lonely and deprived--”

“Not this again,” Harley intones straight into the camera, and the screen cuts to black.

**Author's Note:**

> ahhh this was trash i know i know but i'm like a video game player with self-esteem issues who doesn't have the confidence to jump into the big mission (aka my Forever Young AU) and keeps distracting himself with pointless little side quests (aka these drabbles) (whoops)
> 
> nonetheless I hope this made you giggle! Maybe! A little? A lot?? Lemme know what you thought!! <3 -kaleb
> 
> [muh tumblr](http://theoceanismyinkwell.tumblr.com)  
> [muh insta](http://www.instagram.com/kc.barrie)  
> [muh ko-fi](http://www.ko-fi.com/KalebBarrie)


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